in letting go of something tragic that i have tightly held onto in the hope of one day understanding it, i find myself saddened at the loss of its familiarity as though i have lost a friend. the tragedy in question was held so tightly that it absorbed into my thoughts and memories and cells, thus becoming a piece of me.


freedom is the sacrifice of letting go of familiar things which no longer serve the self. you don’t believe me? try it.

insomnia

here i am, not sleeping
the time has come and gone
for sugar plum fairies to dance
for sand sprinkling to occur
or for sheep to leap over my bed
which would double as a fence...

that is a very disturbing thought
considering the poor feng shui
required for such a function

while the clock tics

the kitchen clock tics its tocs
the bathtub faucet drips from its wound
the computer in front of me softly hums
like it's singing me a lullaby
my hands stop typing and i listen

the refrigerator just woke up
if i close my eyes and peer
beyond the vapor that clouds my brain
where sound envelopes my being
i can hear the silence through the fog

in the silence i can hear my thoughts
i can hear my conscience whisper
i can hear my confusion from way back when
from times that no longer matter
in places that no longer exist

thoughts and dreams roll through the fog
opportunities for distraction or escape
i let them pass and ignore the noise
soon they will cease their vain attempts
and i will hear a different voice within

epiphanies wait here within the silence
for discovery during events of release
of my fear my guilt and my desire
of lives and places waiting to be set free
so i may see them through crystal clarity

the holiday joy ride begins

it's almost here...thanksgiving in the united states. you know, the day most americans get together with friends and family to celebrate gluttony and genocide....er, sorry. i mean, to express gratitude for everything we have, which is too much food and football.

i think that you've probably figured out by now that i'm not a fan. it kind of sucks because i always spend it alone. it's not that i mind being alone, it's just that being alone is more attractive to me on that day than being surrounded by people eating food i can't (okay, won't) and watching a mind numbing sport that i have zero interest in. and the turkey pisses me off...i can't stress how much it really does, never mind the nauseating smell. bleh.

on a more positive note...

i think this year i'm going to actually try tofurkey. i know, right? most vegans swear by the stuff, but i've never tried it for two reasons. 1) there's a lot of old school vegan food out there that only tastes good to vegans with bad taste, and 2) there's something about plants trying to be meat that i find unappetizing, but hey, i'll give it a shot. i really miss having something to put cranberry sauce on...i love cranberry sauce. along with the tofurkey, which comes with the stuffing, and the cranberries, i also want to make mashed potatoes, onion gravy, maybe a green bean casserole or some sauteed carrots and asparagus and a pie. i want to make a pumpkin pie. it's my favorite pie. and yes, it's quite possible that i will be eating this by myself. you're all welcome to join me. i promise everything (except the tofurkey, i already said i've never tried it) will be delicious and there will be movies, not football, on television. oh, i also drink when i cook thanksgiving dinner so that could be fun too. heehee.

let the games begin!!

4 minutes left on the washer

the dryer behind me waits for its next meal of denim and cotton
i lean against it
relaxed
watching the minutes on the washer

3 minutes

the wall behind the washer is green
i mean avocado green
really avocado green
not that 70's version of the same
it reminds me of guacamole
and for a minute
or just a second
i wonder what it tastes like

2 minutes

i imagine that it wouldn't taste like guacamole at all
but perhaps a strange and unusual blend of sweat and chalk
and it would be gritty
yes
and i would definitely make a face
i think it just told me to lick it
but i refuse

1 minute

if it did taste like guacamole
it would taste like the stuff
that you buy in the box at the store
not at all homemade
not worth a lick
not at all
not even close

irony

when i die i will not be dead

the body will have given up the ghost

but the ghost will give up nothing

i will watch my friends take showers

and i will hide their keys and trinkets

i will party with rock stars and saints

and fight evil in my spare time

pop by to screw with paranormal detectives

and eat cake for breakfast every day

for now, though, i will have my oatmeal

and live a long and healthful life

so that i can prolong the inevitable

that promises to be the time of my life

...er, afterlife, that is

broken thought process thursday

it snowed today. it was so pretty and the flakes were really big and fluffy looking. it's still too warm for it to stick so the roads didn't get sloppy, but i'm thinking that the drive to work tomorrow will be a little hairy so i should leave early.

i like apples...i get so excited when i start seeing the fall crops in the store with all of the little colorado grown stickers on them. colorado apples make me happy. fuji apples are my favorites. did you know that if you're making chocolate chip cookies, but have no chips, you can peel and dice an apple, coat the pieces with cinnamon and fold them in to the dough and they'll taste like apple pie cookies? now you do.

in the spirit of my new food makeover (disclosed in the last paragraph) i've started yoga, once again. i got really good at it last time...if only i hadn't had that breakdown in february because of the little blood suckers. looking back, it really was a breakdown. if anyone knew the stuff that went through my noggin i would've been hospitalized. thank goodness my mother has zero powers of observation...or not. hhhmmm. anyway, did you know that i still get the creepy crawlies sitting on the couch or lying in bed? i still check my sheets and mattress, i still check the floor boards, carpet, wall sockets and even my books for signs of them. i still dust with diatomaceous earth around my bed and on my bed frame and i still check for hives everyday. i...am...crazy. i don't think i will ever be normal again. calm drops help with the anxiety a lot.

have you heard of this stuff? good belly. it's a vegan pro-biotic drink that comes in quarts or these little power shots...the shots taste like vitamins, blech, but the drink is really, really good! i have a serving every day and i gotta tell ya, i notice a difference! if you want some probiotic goodness without the dairy kefir then try it. i recommend the mango flavor. they sell it next to the yogurt where i shop.

my blackberry gets great sound through the headphones! it syncs to my itunes so i've been listening to it lately, rather than carrying my ipod to work with me. i've noticed that i'm hearing all kinds of instrument detail in songs that i've never heard on the radio or my ipod and it's really cool when i notice that some song has a cello in it where i never heard it before. plus, it interrupts when i have a call or a message so i don't miss anything when my ears are in...we call headphones ears. we are the people i work with, not the voices in my head. i'm crazy, not insane, gosh!

remember when i went on weight watchers? i liked it a lot! i lost 15 pounds and everything! i also gained it all back, plus a couple, when i quit because i realized i was just learning how to eat bad food with no nutritional value because it was low in points. oh, well. i'm on this new program called the mcdougall plan. i found it on gail's blog when she posted that it caught her attention at a vegetarian festival in portland. essentially, it's a food-lifestyle makeover that's perfect for vegans...and anyone else who likes vegan food. it's so interesting because it teaches you to eat a starch based, low fat diet. i eat when i'm hungry. i eat as much as i want. i actually fill up faster and feel satisfied so i stop eating sooner, but don't have to worry about getting hungry before i can eat again or that i'm going to go over my points. i've lost 5 pounds in 2 weeks and i haven't even finished reading the book. awesome, right?

must.go.to.bed. goodnight my friends. xoxo

speaking of friends ~ jenn, kate, bree, bridgete and kc also rock the broken thoughts. go see.